all you can eat

convinced by a significant amount of alcohol
and a friend with dubious standards
i last night had the misfortune and displeasure
of dining at the melbourne bar & bistro smorgasboard

i was led down two flights of stairs that lead off the bourke street mall
into an underground room that seems remarkably like a less classy pokies venue
(mostly because it is)

the ambience and decor were as refined as the clientele
which included a toothless old prostitute with crossed-out tattoos
and various other characters who seemed a short step away from homelessness

$7.95 buys you a plate and all you can eat from their smorgasboard
the highlights of which seemed to be
a variety of deep fried and battered meat products
which if they were anything like the fish
probably consisted primarily of potato

the deep fried eggplant was passable
everything else was really not

i gather from my cramping stomach, disturbed sleep and even more disturbed dreams
that most of it was flavorized with liberal helpings of MSG

unless you’re both a glutton for punishment
and a regular common or garden variety glutton
with $8 burning a hole in your pocket
and a hankering for the seediest culinary experience in town
i strongly recommend you dine elsewhere

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